How Poetry Saves My Life
There is a part of me, I share with almost no one. Except for my wife, Donna, my thoughts and feelings, I keep to myself. Because these thoughts and emotions are so extreme at times, I hesitate to talk about them. Except, however, in my poetry. When the dark clouds of anxiety, mood swings and fear begin to spiral out of control, despite my medications, the only thing that almost always helps is creative writing in the form of poetry. By writing down these moods in poetic verse, somehow, lousy states of mind are satisfied and disappear. Equally important, these poems, I think, are quite good.
Writing about these emotions in poems and then getting them published,
both reassures me that they are well written. They also offer others a window into my consciousness. Merely talking with others could never do this. I’ve had so many experiences with mental health challenges, that it is difficult to believe them all, and so no one really knows who I am. Sometimes I’m stuck with difficult moods for days, while at other times, I’m inspired to write uplifting devotional poems. I suppose these mental health challenges have driven me to seek consolation and trust in God, but, nevertheless, these difficult thoughts and moods still occur. Luckily, by writing down my words of verse, I’ve been able to transform my thinking while still needing poetry to help me find true peace of mind.
With all this in mind, I’m proud to have been named a “Featured Poet” by Robin Barratt’s periodical, Poetry for Mental Health. By publishing with Robin, I am able to reach my target audience directly. In addition, publishing in most other journals may take months to be accepted and then just one poem at time.
I’ve included my six poems from Poetry for Mental Health below. Under each poem is a brief interpretation that may help readers understand them. They have also all been written in the last three months. You may recognize some of these thoughts and feelings to some degree as well. I hope things are going well for you, and I’ll see you next week!
Poetry for Mental Health, Featured Poet - John F. Zurn:
THE FLAME GOES OUT
In the quiet peaceful darkness
all my thoughts are gone.
Then flicker flicker to flame
my mind again flips on.
Desire for recognition and fame
flicker flicker to flame-
So anxiety, fear and doubt,
again burst into flames.
Then slowly, fitfully,
the flames burn down,
until flicker flicker
the flame goes out.
Then, at last,
I’m home again,
and the shadow is gone.
ABOUT THE POEM: "This poem expresses the idea that my mind is never peaceful for long. But there are moments when I can escape it."
CROCODILE
My mind is like a crocodile
that wrestles me to death.
I tried to cross the river,
but I’m drowning here instead.
I suffocate in agony,
as I’m rolled and pulled apart.
I languish in my misery,
and despair has gripped my heart.
In this terrifying nightmare,
I cannot swim to shore.
My soul has been surrounded,
and I’m frightened to the core.
This hellish time consumes me,
and I simply try to breath.
As the locking jaws still crush me,
in this river where I bleed.
ABOUT THE POEM: "This poem explains how difficult it can be to move forward when I constantly have to deal with mental health challenges."
THE STENCH OF DEATH
I’ve been drowning here
for so very long
circling the drain of doubt.
Treading the water of despair,
the zest for life has disappeared.
A descending ceiling begins to drop
down and smother me,
as thoughts and feelings trouble.
So how do I fly, run or swim
in these restraints
that pin me down
like a half dead butterfly
stabbed and mounted
on some morbid wall?
This violent heartless world
is not my home
and the future is impenetrable,
while the yesterday of could have been
is broken and gone.
The stench of death approaches now
and the light behind the presence
ignores and alludes.
ABOUT THE POEM: "This poem is about depression and how all consuming it can be."
A BLOWN FUSE
A force of nervous energy
of worry and anxiety,
overwhelms my every thought
until I finally blow a fuse.
I’m left out, confused and frightened
as the old familiar anger grows,
then I stumble into a dark
and deep dangerous hole …
Slowly, desperately I crawl out again
utilizing every possible coping skill.
But each time the normal current returns,
and another fuse is finally installed,
I become weaker and diluted,
and a little less sure of myself.
But I always start over again
and do the best with what’s left.
This nervousness is permanent-
Nevertheless.
ABOUT THE POEM: "This poem is about dealing with a panic attack and its aftermath."
FIRE AND ICE
I’m a fever with a blazing brain.
I ignite the world with flame and heat.
My raging thoughts out of control
consume me as delusions grow.
I’m a phantom with a frozen brain.
I limp with numbing stumbling steps.
A tragic figure ruled by ice
of which the world is ignorant.
I’m a victim of a rotten brain-
My brain that stinks when sleep deprived.
It’s awful stench and anxious doubt
ooze out and fouls my reeking mind.
I’m a hero with a dreadful brain.
Always it’s been so.
I stare down both my life and death
as only kindred spirits know.
Yet, I will rise above my fears-
the terrors that invade my soul.
I will break free and then transform
my brain and its disruptive storms.
ABOUT THE POEM: "This poem is about mental weather and how unpredictable it is."
PRIMAL SCREAM
This blister in my brain is raw
again
as the scream comes crashing in.
Suffocating in this death I squirm
within
and despair is running wild.
Locked out of meditation’s pull
the world is grim today.
I screech and clutch my seething mind
and then
I feel broken and afraid.
Drowning in this boiling sea
pointlessly,
I despair and gasp for breath.
Needing some experience
I cannot break through this scorching darkness.
I seek out the mysterious
beyond this dead of night.
ABOUT THE POEM: "Sometimes thoughts in life are so uncontrollable that they create a sense of despair."
ABOUT JOHN
John F. Zurn has been faced with the challenges of bipolar disorder and anxiety disorder for his entire adult life. Over the years he gradually learned that: medication, physical exercise, meditation and creative writing were vital for his long-term recovery. Despite this challenge, he still managed to work as a teacher and counselor for over thirty-five years. Now retired, he has more time to write and publish poems and stories. John was born in upstate New York and has an M.A. in English. He has been married to his wife, Donna, for over 40 years.
(Please remember these are my own ideas, and I’m not attempting to persuade anyone to change theirs.)
Quotes:
“If I feel physically as if the top of my head were taken off, I know that is poetry.” - Emily Dickinson
“Poetry is the spontaneous overflow of powerful feelings: it takes its origin from emotion recollected in tranquility.” - William Wordsworth
“Poetry is what in a poem makes you laugh, cry, prickle, be silent, makes your toenails twinkle, makes you want to do this or that or nothing, makes you know that you are alone in the unknown world, that your bliss and suffering is forever shared and forever all your own.” - Dylan Thomas
https://www.facebook.com/writerjohnfzurn
https://www.portalstoinnerdimensions.com/
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