Husband Improvement Projects
This newsletter describers some of my humorous experiences with my wife, Donna. It’s taken from my book, The Comedy in Everyday Life.
Since the pandemic, my wife, Donna, and I don’t go out as much anymore. Instead, we read and watch television, but we also keep busy with various projects. As the “assistant manager” of the house, I often come up with projects, and then Donna usually gives her approval.
For example, I decided that it would be cheaper and easier if she cut my hair instead of going to the salon. I hated waiting in line and explaining my haircut preferences to every new stylist that had been hired that week. So, my wife studied some YouTube videos, and before long she started cutting my hair. Donna did a great job too, but her perfectionist tendencies sometimes got in the way. Two days after my haircut, she’d often chase me around the house with scissors trimming my mustache and attacking my unruly ear hair still exposed. After a while, I began to think she cared more about my appearance than I did.
Since Donna tends to want things perfect, and I believe faster is better, she often worries about the quality of my work at home. Because of this perspective, sometimes I work on projects without letting her know about them until after I’m finished. So, a few years ago, I decided to paint the house shutters dark green, but in order to avoid interrogation, I waited until she left for work before I hiked up the garage steps. Unfortunately, she had forgotten something, so we encountered each other near the stairs. With a look of suspicion, Donna asked me where I was going with the paint supplies. Then the familiar questions ensued, but I firmly told Donna (the house manager) that I intended to paint the shutters no matter what she said. (Thank God, the dark green shutters looked good!)
Since our working styles are different, we try to work together but on separate project areas. I’ll scrape and paint in one place, while Donna picks another area to scrape and paint. Yet this division of labor isn’t always possible. A typical example of this situation occurred while we were installing a mesh fence around our porch to keep the critters out. It proved to be a difficult job because we needed to bury part of the mesh fencing underground to discourage animals from digging. It turned out to be a long and tedious task, that took most of the day, and we still had one section left to finish. As usual, I wanted to hurry and finish it, while my wife didn’t want to rush. At one point, she asserted that if I wanted to rush and finish the fence, so it would look lousy, then I should go right ahead! (I’m sure you caught her ironic tone.) We actually did finish the job in a bit of a hurry, but it finished our patience too.
Sometimes I’d also attempt projects that clearly seemed to be unwise to pursue, yet that didn’t usually deter me. For instance, we had a colony of bees living in our rock garden very close to our porch. At first, the bees would fly out of the ground about once a minute. Later, however, they began flying out constantly. Because we sometimes had visits from young nieces and nephews, I decided to destroy the colony. First, I tried drowning them, and then I employed three rounds of insecticide spray. Despite Donna’s constant warnings to be careful, I managed to get stung several times. Anyway, it wasn’t until late that evening that I realized I could skip the emergency room. And even though I had acted recklessly, Donna still kept a watchful eye on me until I felt better. Thankfully, she never uttered the two dreadful responses all men loathe to hear: “I told you so,” and “What were you thinking?”
(Please remember these are my own ideas, and I’m not attempting to persuade anyone to change theirs.)
Quotes:
"Yes, I did it myself. No, I will not show you the corner." - Anonymous
“To Do: 1. Make lists 2. Look at lists 3. PANIC!” - Anonymous
“A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men.” — Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
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