“My Wife isn’t the Boss of Me”

This humorous story is meant to be entertaining and funny while at the same time pointing out how interesting the dynamics of the husband wife can be. Having been married for forty-three years, I have come to recognize how complex married life can be and how sometimes things may be different than what appear on the surface. I hope you enjoy the story:

Donna and I were married forty-three years ago, but we never raised children. (I keep telling people we have no children, but she insists we have one.) Anyway, as one might expect, I’ve risen to the position of assistant manager in our household. This job continues to present a number of challenges, however, one of which turns out to be Donna’s management style. Although I try to be patient and understanding, sometimes it can be difficult for me, despite my attempts to point out her mistakes.

To be candid, my wife can be awfully stubborn. I’ve observed that it runs in her family, but she seems to be the most likely to state her opinion. For instance, she continually asserts that she is right about almost everything, inferring that she is more intelligent than I am. Nevertheless, I’m keeping a close watch on things, and someday, if she makes a mistake, I’ll be right there to point out to her. I’m not the one making all the mistakes. As the famous phrase states: “Denial is more than just a river in Egypt!”

I think our current problems began when I had to practice giving intelligence tests for a class at the university. After administering a vocabulary I.Q. test to Donna, I realized that she scored in the gifted range. After I tabulated the results several more times, her score remained the same. Then I remembered that she guessed that the word “homunculus” meant, a very small person. Because of this, I suspected that the test itself was in error. The answer for homunculus, I believe should be a “keyless monk.” Besides, when I took another I.Q. test during my class, I tested in the normal range. Now, it seems obvious that Donna’s test had errors in the format itself.

I hate to sound ungrateful, but my wife has a tendency to overreact, at times, and then she’ll drag me to the doctor. This is truly against the male unwritten code that states: “If I don’t go to the doctor that means I’m not sick.” But if I do go to the doctor, he or she will always find something wrong. So, when I told Donna I had intestinal problems, she dragged me to the doctor, and then I was diagnosed with the beginning stage of colon cancer. Then, later when I was up all night, Donna dragged me to the doctor again - I guess I was keeping her up all night too. After several appointments, I ended up with prostate cancer. Finally, two years ago, my wife thought I had allergies because I couldn’t breathe, and it turned out I had a collapsed lung. So, my wife turned out to be completely wrong about allergies. She can be so persnickety about things sometimes! I don’t dare think about what’s going to happen when I go the dentist.

I have one more thing we continue to “discuss,” and it involves visiting relatives and friends. If it were up to me, I’d stay home, but my wife says it would make me even more antisocial. So, when I do go to visit, people insist on bragging about their possessions and accomplishments. Because of this propensity to brag, Donna feels the need to crow about my writing. Of course, nobody buys any of my books, but they all push their kids’ latest school fundraising scheme. Of course, Donna buys their widgets anyway.

After years of being bossed around, and even ignored, I finally said, “That’s it, Donna. I’m going to start making my own decisions.” Then, when I have asked her if that would be okay, she replied, “We’ll see.”

Thanks for reading my story about marriage, and I hope you found it humorous and perhaps recognized some of your own interactions with your spouse as well. See you next week!

(Please remember these are my own ideas, and I’m not attempting to persuade anyone to change theirs.)

Quotes:

“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.” Joyce Brothers

“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” Prince Philip

“They say all marriages are made in heaven, but so are thunder and lightning.: Clint Eastwood

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