Cast in the Role of Patient
In this newsletter, I would like to describe a specific state of mind. It is important to explain it because it affects everyone, I think, at times, and can be helpful to identify when it occurs. However, I need to be as objective as possible, otherwise this newsletter has the danger of being self-serving or worse, self-pitying and this would defeat the whole purpose of what I’m trying to explain.
In life at different times we all are required to play different roles. For example, sometimes we play the role of employee, spouse, and parent. These roles help identify who we are and also create a sense of purpose. Sometimes, however, we’re cast in roles that are less desirable. We become the unemployed, the divorced or the unwanted. But almost everyone is cast in the role of patient sometime in their lives.
In the role of the patient, one has to be obedient to the doctors and nurses who treat them, and have to follow the advice that includes medication and symptom management. Those that don’t can be in danger or worsening health problems or even death. To follow the advice of doctors and take medications can seem like a sign of weakness, especially for men, but to disregard it can be fatal. This has never been more apparent to me than when the Covid pandemic appeared on the scene.
But for those of us with serious and chronic health issues being cast in the role of patient has some serious consequences. The role itself creates an identity in which we become dependent. In this role we lose our will to be free of our diagnosis. Our whole belief system can become centered on getting well and trusting doctors to know how to help us. This is especially true when health problems take over and are dangerous.
For me, when I was younger I could transition from the role of patient into the role of healthy adult as recovery took hold regardless of what health problem I encountered. I’d pick myself up and stat again. In fact, this was one of my strong character traits. Although I’ve had to manage problems of anger and pride I could still manage to recover form illness and get out from under them. Without falling into the trap of “chronic patient” I could be encouraged by the medical profession. But sometimes doctors did fail to see the whole person in me and focused solely on the illness. This tended to make me believe that I was solely defined by my health problems.
For me, I’ve had a number of serious health issues in the last two years that have become chronic and they tend to overshadow other areas of my life. Very briefly, I’ve had a pacemaker, a hip replacement, life threatening blood clots, kidney disease and my diabetes had become more serious. Because of all this, I’ve had to micromanage my diet and been constantly at risk of falling or bleeding.
After falling again recently, it has come to my attention that although I’ve greatly improved, for a couple of days it didn’t look that way. In general, as I get older, it becomes more difficult to feel independent and useful. Instead many seniors like me, I think, run the risk of feeling needy and a burden for others and on the health care system. For me, needing help seems to be never-ending. So the “new normal” comes with less independence and with lower self-esteem. This requires a redefinition of who I am as a less independent person who becomes, in some way, a permanent patient. Restrictions on activities with less exercise together with the need for more medication make it difficult to lead a fulfilling life.
So, what to do? First, pride has to go so that acceptance is possible. Next, perseverance in all circumstances becomes vital. Even still, the desire to give up on my sense of dependence becomes harder because of the parade of doctor appointments. I remember inwardly criticizing my mother for all her obsessions with health problems, and I believed unnecessary doctor appointments. Now, since I have some of the same health issues, I recognize my criticism was inaccurate.
But, struggling with all these health problems has also led to a kind of spiritual maturity. I have been consistently required to go within for answers because my faith has been sometimes severely tested. Because of these trials, like many people, I’ve become a better; more understanding person who sees that God is still active in my life despite the many problems. As most of my life is behind me now, and the future gets ever closer, I see things more clearly. Also death is something I look forward to and not something to be feared. When this race is over, I believe with all my heart that I will be given a new spiritual mind and body in heaven. This is very reassuring despite the pain and frustration I sometimes am forced to deal with. So, although in many ways I’m cast into the role of patient by myself and others, I also know I’m cast in role of believer, and I trust in the future even more then when I was younger. This has been very reassuring.
I hope this newsletter find you happy and healthy. See you next week!
(Please remember these are my own ideas, and I’m not attempting to persuade anyone to change theirs.)
Quotes:
“Caring for myself is not self-indulgent, it is self-preservation.” Andre Lorde
“Age is not a number, it’s the stories we carry with us.” Anonymous
“To care for those who once cared for us is one of the highest honors.” Tia Walker
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